Feeling Our Way

When we came home, no one thought the Hero would make it out of the hospice. Now that we are at home the nurses are constantly second guessing the Lord as to when the Hero's time has come. He is weak and the morphine really hurts him mentally...ie: depression. Our biggest problem has been the urine catheter. Most of the time we spend reading or watching up lifting videos. The Hero can not stand violence or hateful things, not even in the form of humor ie: "Home Alone". He loves hymns and prayer.

The last two days have been cold for here. We have to use electric heaters because of his oxygen. He did like it when I opened the door for him to see snow in Montgomery TX. Not a usual happening. Of course the snow was not like the picture, but the flakes were huge like the snowflakes up north. We were amused by the phone calls from our son and daughters. It is funny for years one can long for snow, then after living in it for a short time, the enjoyment dwindles with the knowledge of what comes with snow.

The other morning I had been really tired from up and down all night. My oldest son called just to say "Hi, how are you?" It was an encouragement I needed. The hardest thing about cancer is the pain that takes away the ability of loved ones to hold or cuddle the person hurting. Since I am a huggy type person, you have to understand that my inner self is in great pain. It is not my desire to complain, it is merely my desire to express my pain to let some of it go. I know that one day, we will greet each other with wonderful hugs and kisses on the other side. I just miss them so very much with him right next to me. We exchange kisses and smiles as our manner of loving one another.

Right now, the hope is that he will make it through the Christmas holidays, in order that the children can make it to see him and spend some time with him. I just don't know what the Lord has in mind. I do what I can. Don't mistake this post as one of discouragement, rather one of bewilderment. Between the nurses and the fatigue, it is hard to keep in tune with the spirit and understand what is happening.